If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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