I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
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Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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