Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My vagina is officially offended.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
