there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
