I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
