the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want nice things and good sex
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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