Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
