if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
