Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
