Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
