My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
