so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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