2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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