woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
