I'm jealous of your bromance
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
