I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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