I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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