He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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