Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
