quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
