Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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