My first STD was from a foam party
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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