I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
