i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
