Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
