I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
