My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
