I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
