On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
