I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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