I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
This is the high leading the old right now
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
