I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
