If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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