turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
