Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
