so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
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So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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