Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
