how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
