I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
