after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
