I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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