i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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