my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
