Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
