she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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