New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
