Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
