saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
