I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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