so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
