I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
