Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
