i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
