exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
