Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
