i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
