just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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