i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
